Like, seriously. How do mom's do it? How do they stay at home, keep the house and kids in check, and themselves, and their husbands, and the laundry, and the dishes, and the dinner - oh my word, it's like Cinderella. Without the stepmother, ugly stepsisters, the mean cat, the helpful mice, the fairy godmother, and the prince. Oh wait, so I guess maybe it's not like that at all. But this whole stay at home mom thing is not for the faint of heart. It's not like I scored and became one of those wives that "get" to stay at home with a toddler and 3mo old because we live some fabulous life and I don't have to work. No, for the record, my small business owning husband is able to make up for my loss of salary, by the grace of God, as his company is growing and doing well. Not "well" like I get to go buy a new car and fill my house with all of the tempting lovelies from wayfair.com or pottery barn, but well enough that it made sense and worked out this way. It just happened. I am super thankful that I am able to do it, that I "get" to do it in a sense that I'm the one that is here with my children.
But back to my rant - damn, it's hard to be a stay at home mama. Gone are the days that I work all day long, solving other peoples' problems, speaking intelligently with other adults. Gone are the days that I drop my toddler off at her preschool, where she is given lessons, tasks, projects, recesses, naps, music, play, more fun school things to do all day long. I do not miss making lunches every day, or scrambling to get her and myself out of the house to make it to work on time (i.e., 5min late daily). But I do miss that activity for her - mainly because I don't know that I have the creativity or the energy to keep her as busy and active as she was just less than 2 months ago. I admire the way that teachers can wrangle 6-8 2 year olds on a daily basis, only to get the evenings & weekends off. Going through potty training, feeding them, breaking up fights, keeping them interested... Wow. Just wow.
Some days - or really most days - I lose my patience. I won't lie, I have nothing to hide. I have to keep it real and be honest. I lose my patience. I have a 2 year old diva on my hands. I read another blog that said your children pick up the qualities of you - negative ones, especially - and put it right in your face, more or less. Yes, admittedly this is what Ava does. She is a little mimic of all my craziness. I tell her to do something, she says, with an exasperated whisper, "whyyyy?" Really? Really?! I'm waiting on the day she says that to me. Oh wait, she already has.
What I'm saying is that I feel like a POS most days, when I lose my patience. I yell. Brief, short commands from time to time. There, I said it. Judge me if you will. I raise my voice. I try to calmly, and with a smile tell her to do something, offer up a different way of doing something, or talk her off the ledge. But she's a tough one. It's much easier to talk an adult off the ledge. You cannot reason with a 2 year old. You can't argue with them. She literally repeats and mimics me when I'm upset. It's so eye-opening when a 2yr old reacts the same way you do. It's funny how she does it, but then it's like a slap in the face because it's annoying (to see how I am). I wish I could disarm the switch that pushes me over the edge of "I just had myself together and now I feel like I need to throw a glass plate on the concrete" - basically the one that turns me into the Hulk. And how do people get that much patience? Tell me it didn't come overnight. Lie to me and tell me that. Or tell me the truth, tell me that I'm not alone in this crazy, messed up, emotional life of mine. Tell me that you yourself have experienced the insanely impossible ability of trying to keep your sh*t together so you don't lose it! Every single day, I literally get up thinking, what will today be like? Will it be good? Will I be good? Will I be patient? What can we do to keep Ava busy? What is going to set her off? When will I reach my boiling point? How much coffee will I consume today? Should I shower now, or later? Or at all? Can I pawn my kids off to my mom? Can I just stay in bed? Is 10:00 a.m. too early to drink wine? Can I just pretend to be perfect? But each day, it's a new approach. It's a new adventure in the life of a 2 year old. She's perfectly terrible, and terribly perfect.
It goes without saying that I would never, in a million years, ever give back my present life. I would never change the way it turned out. Ever. Never, ever, ever. God blessed my husband and me with 2 beautiful, amazing, happy and healthy children. If the worst is the terrible 2's (which I have already made Beau swear to me that he wouldn't behave the way Ava does - not even at 3), then I can handle it. I don't deserve it though. I don't deserve the life that God gave me. None of us do, to be fair. But when I feel like a jerk, when I feel like I should've waited one more second to react, or 5 more seconds, but didn't, I really feel bad. Why do I have to be short? What does it do to the situation when the she-Hulk comes out, and destroys everything in her path? Look, clearly I'm writing this when I'm feeling bad on myself, and I will move past it, and find a way out of this mess. I just feel like an undeserving mother. The worst mother out there. Yes, because I didn't let my daughter brush her teeth again when all I asked her to do was to wash her hands. Or when I made her wear bloomers instead of a diaper to help her know when she needs to go or went potty. (As if her routine of hiding behind the sofa each time she poops is not obvious, or is so sneaky that I don't know what she's doing...) I almost don't even want to post this, because I don't want the slight ounce of pity, or judgement for that matter. I try to get down on her level, she doesn't listen. I know that I've got to do better, and I have been praying that God help me. I don't want to be a jerk-mom. SHE'S ONLY 2. We have to learn each other all over again, as I have said before. Granted, it's only February 2, and She's almost been out of school for 2 months. When people asked me how it was being at home, I told them to ask me in about 2 months. Well, ask me in March. I hope to goodness that I have found my way and have found peace in knowing that perfection is not only impossible, but it does not need to be expected from myself or my 2 year old. I need to make a point to use free time researching ideas to keep little ones busy and occupied. We will get through this. We will make it. (And let's hope daddy says she can go to preschool again in September...)
Be honest - am I alone? How do you moms deal with the terrible 2's???
