Real talk

I was scrolling through my instagram posts from the last year or so & had an overwhelming feeling of sadness come over me. Not because my children have grown so much or anything like that, but because 2016 was a super tough year for me. And some of 2017, to be honest. I know it's just June, but even so, this past year & a half has not been easy. The pictures show smiles & laughs. They don't show the frustration & anger, sadness, feelings of failure & weakness. I traded in a full time job, where I worked sometimes 50hrs/week (plus the paycheck and insurance). And I have been able to stay at home with my children and I completely cherish these times. But I went through my own personal hell. I hated myself for my postpartum emotions & feelings. For getting upset because of a missing sock, or a tired toddler who would wake in the middle of the night kicking & crying for 30min at a time, inconsolable. For yelling & speaking in a tone of voice sometimes only dogs could hear. For legit wanting to hide in my garage until everyone was asleep so I could be alone. Hate. I never imagined how much I would not even want to be around myself. But you know what, thankfully, I learned that I wasn't alone in any of this. Other moms I met felt exactly the way I did. That made it easier to cope with & grow from. I learned what grace was & that God DID give me grace. He taught me that I am to extend that same grace to my children - His children. And I am still learning how important it is to forgive myself. If I can't do that, I can't ever move on & improve bc I never want to go back there. Grace doesn't mean I can continue that behavior; it means that I've been given something to help me be a better person, better mama, better wife. So I want to encourage moms to be real with yourselves & find other moms doing the same. Know that you aren't alone & what you're feeling is very real. But don't beat yourself up over it. Forgive yourself for bad moments, hours, days. I couldn't "just breathe" or "walk out of the room" to get over it. That wasn't happening. And I'm still trying to get through it bc my youngest is almost the same age as my oldest when this all began. If I can do this, you can, too.

Happy 3rd Birthday to Ava!

What a great weekend we just had.  Ava turned 3, it was Mother's Day, and Beau's baby dedication at church brought in family. The weather was perfect and gorgeous.  We celebrated Ava's birthday with a donut and trip to the zoo, after she got a birthday call from Dora!! (Thank you, nick jr.) We even got in the Zoo for free, as someone's  "+1" so that was awesome.  He just walked up and asked if we wanted to do that, and I was like, sure! (Certain annual passes have a +1, so you can bring anyone. I knew about it so it wasn't weird.)  We walked in, said thank you and parted ways.  Ava even got a free train ride for having a birthday!  It was so much fun.  Saturday we had some family over and this party was definitely all about all about Ava. She got a tricycle from Nana & Papa, a trampoline from Gibby (grandma), and an easel from Uncle & Aunt.  We got her a lot of Sherrif Callie things, who is her favorite Disney character. P.s. a note to anyone who cares, the Disney stores don't have her in there. Target and Wally world do, though. I was so disappointed when I  called and asked.  I pulled it off, though. Callie dress,  guitar, microphone, cupcake decorations.   It was so much fun.
I will not say that Ava is a "threenager" becausewe will not set ourselves up for that disaster. 2 was hard enough on us.  Ava is a strong willed child, but she's typical. I don't think it's anything out of the ordinary for her to be so... challenging at times, I just notice it because we are together All. The. Time.  Her meltdowns are not fun, I'm over her crying in the middle of the night, and her saying "hold me, holdmeholdmeholdmemommmymommymommy," is beyond annoying.  I've realized that she's either hungry or tired, or just bored. So I've started asking her, calmly trying to get her to use words.   It's working, because she says it a fraction of the time. Thank goodness! 
Another milestone : she's using the potty! She's only wearing pull ups at nap and bedtime, and sometimes when we go on errands or to a park I'm not sure about. And we change her as soon as she goes. So that's pretty great! Our little girl is growing up! She's beautiful,  bright, smart, curious,  creative, and so funny. I love her more than anything!

Halfway to a year, are you kidding me?

Are you seriously telling me that my son is 6 months old? As in halfway to a year old? No. No way. But yes, it's true. And this is such a great age! Beau is sitting up so well, which is super fun for him. He loves to bang on his toys, and put everything in his mouth. Everything. I had to get him a walker,  because all he wants to do is stand up. When I hold him, he's turning round and round.  So we ran up to a consignment store and grabbed one. Good call! He's 16.8lbs but feels like a chunker, and drinks 7oz bottles now. I'm going to try some foods, like sweet potatoes, but he wasn't sure about bananas. Beau is also a finger sucker... so cute. Only to sleep though, so let's hope it stays that way!
The church is doing baby dedication next week, that's going to be fun!

Hello little 5month old Beau!

This little guy is such a joy to be around. He's so happy, curious and fun.  Dare I say, he is so easy to handle! I mean, he is a great sleeper, cries when he's hungry and tired, but other than that, no worries! I love the way he drools when he smiles at me. He looks over at daddy when he walks in the room.  He loves his little sister, too. Oh man, I am in love! I didn't think I could share myself with another baby, or that I would be able to do with such ease. But Beau makes it easy. He is literally a mini version of his daddy so he's just adorable! He loves his feet and standing. We think he'll walk before he crawls! (Let's hope not!) He's starting to sit up alone, so that's great. I love that he'll be able to do more than just lay there, rolling over and over...

Beau's 4 months

Oops... I can't believe I had forgotten to post Beau's 4 month picture. Shame, shame on me. Please forgive me, son, if anyone ever tells you!!

Beau - 2 months

Beau's first Christmas!
He was able to enjoy it by napping... and that's quite alright with us.  I wasn't sure what to even get him since he technically can't open anything, but I also couldn't let my little babe not have anything under the tree.  So yes, he got a few toys, that he can play with in a few more months.
We enjoyed Christmas here with family, and had a low country boil, which we all welcomed as a new tradition.  Mmm...
Beau is up to 10.8lbs as of a doctor appt we went to since he caught a bad cold. It turned into RSV, and I didn't know what to do.  I was so worried, because Ava was so perfect as a newborn.  Not until she went to daycare did she get sick, so I didn't know what to do.  He had to have picked it up from Ava & even from me, since the weather changes made my sinuses go crazy.  Fortunately, it did not go into his chest or ears.  Unfortunately for him, I had to do the suction on his nose, vaporub and the humidifier.  It was pitiful, but it went away within a week.  We were so glad that it didn't get any worse.
During this 2 month growth, I have transitioned from breastfeeding to formula feeding.  I was afraid that Beau wasn't getting all he wanted, and to be honest, I was getting overwhelmed at feeding him all the time, and struggling with Ava and the dog, and anything else that I wanted to do.  In other words, I was over it. It's not the same with two children.  Ideally, I wanted to breastfeed for months - like 8 or more.  But that didn't happen, and that's ok.  I stopped beating myself up about it as much.
Little Beau is starting to sleep for longer periods of time, almost all night, which is glorious!!  And he's smiling so much.  He's lost a lot of hair, or started to about this time, due to cradle cap. It didn't get nasty, but I had to treat it and I think that's what had happened.  Hopefully it will grow back as nice as it had been.  It had some curl to it, that Ava's didn't.  (Thank goodness she has my hair!)
On to the next phase - more sleep, smiles and maybe some activity!!

Beau is 3 months old

Beau has reached the 3 month mark!
I had wanted him to come out 3 months old, but he didn't, so I waited patiently for the time to come.  Why?  Because at three months, these little babies start to get fun.  They sleep longer at night (knock on wood!), and laugh and gurgle and make silly faces and blow raspberries - or try.
And that's just what Beau's doing.  He's a ball of drool, going through a few bibs a day, but is happy to do it.  He smiles just like Ava did, all the time.  It's so sweet.  He also smiles at Ava - he sure loves her.  We have pulled out the bouncer, the piano and the bumbo chair for him, and he's enjoying all of them.  Yay!  He still loves to be in my arms, and I still love to hold him until he falls asleep at night.  I think he's almost ready for his crib.  We moved Ava to the crib at 3 months, and I think it's time to do so with him.  How do we know?  He's sleeping all night long, and he's almost touching the top and bottom of the bassinet.  I've put a few more touches on his room, making it more of his. Still need a chest of drawers, or some shelving unit, so hopefully we'll be able to get something soon to complete his room.
Beau is at 13lbs, a little bigger than Ava at this time.  I've not compared their sizes, but will do so, just to see.  We already know that he's bigger than Ava.  And rightly so, for our boy.  He laughs, and is ticklish, making diaper changes fun!  He coos and talks to me as he falls asleep. He's just perfect.  We thank God daily for the perfection.  It's so fun seeing him become more and more alert and I still am not ashamed to say that I am looking forward to him growing!