Real talk

I was scrolling through my instagram posts from the last year or so & had an overwhelming feeling of sadness come over me. Not because my children have grown so much or anything like that, but because 2016 was a super tough year for me. And some of 2017, to be honest. I know it's just June, but even so, this past year & a half has not been easy. The pictures show smiles & laughs. They don't show the frustration & anger, sadness, feelings of failure & weakness. I traded in a full time job, where I worked sometimes 50hrs/week (plus the paycheck and insurance). And I have been able to stay at home with my children and I completely cherish these times. But I went through my own personal hell. I hated myself for my postpartum emotions & feelings. For getting upset because of a missing sock, or a tired toddler who would wake in the middle of the night kicking & crying for 30min at a time, inconsolable. For yelling & speaking in a tone of voice sometimes only dogs could hear. For legit wanting to hide in my garage until everyone was asleep so I could be alone. Hate. I never imagined how much I would not even want to be around myself. But you know what, thankfully, I learned that I wasn't alone in any of this. Other moms I met felt exactly the way I did. That made it easier to cope with & grow from. I learned what grace was & that God DID give me grace. He taught me that I am to extend that same grace to my children - His children. And I am still learning how important it is to forgive myself. If I can't do that, I can't ever move on & improve bc I never want to go back there. Grace doesn't mean I can continue that behavior; it means that I've been given something to help me be a better person, better mama, better wife. So I want to encourage moms to be real with yourselves & find other moms doing the same. Know that you aren't alone & what you're feeling is very real. But don't beat yourself up over it. Forgive yourself for bad moments, hours, days. I couldn't "just breathe" or "walk out of the room" to get over it. That wasn't happening. And I'm still trying to get through it bc my youngest is almost the same age as my oldest when this all began. If I can do this, you can, too.

Happy 3rd Birthday to Ava!

What a great weekend we just had.  Ava turned 3, it was Mother's Day, and Beau's baby dedication at church brought in family. The weather was perfect and gorgeous.  We celebrated Ava's birthday with a donut and trip to the zoo, after she got a birthday call from Dora!! (Thank you, nick jr.) We even got in the Zoo for free, as someone's  "+1" so that was awesome.  He just walked up and asked if we wanted to do that, and I was like, sure! (Certain annual passes have a +1, so you can bring anyone. I knew about it so it wasn't weird.)  We walked in, said thank you and parted ways.  Ava even got a free train ride for having a birthday!  It was so much fun.  Saturday we had some family over and this party was definitely all about all about Ava. She got a tricycle from Nana & Papa, a trampoline from Gibby (grandma), and an easel from Uncle & Aunt.  We got her a lot of Sherrif Callie things, who is her favorite Disney character. P.s. a note to anyone who cares, the Disney stores don't have her in there. Target and Wally world do, though. I was so disappointed when I  called and asked.  I pulled it off, though. Callie dress,  guitar, microphone, cupcake decorations.   It was so much fun.
I will not say that Ava is a "threenager" becausewe will not set ourselves up for that disaster. 2 was hard enough on us.  Ava is a strong willed child, but she's typical. I don't think it's anything out of the ordinary for her to be so... challenging at times, I just notice it because we are together All. The. Time.  Her meltdowns are not fun, I'm over her crying in the middle of the night, and her saying "hold me, holdmeholdmeholdmemommmymommymommy," is beyond annoying.  I've realized that she's either hungry or tired, or just bored. So I've started asking her, calmly trying to get her to use words.   It's working, because she says it a fraction of the time. Thank goodness! 
Another milestone : she's using the potty! She's only wearing pull ups at nap and bedtime, and sometimes when we go on errands or to a park I'm not sure about. And we change her as soon as she goes. So that's pretty great! Our little girl is growing up! She's beautiful,  bright, smart, curious,  creative, and so funny. I love her more than anything!

Halfway to a year, are you kidding me?

Are you seriously telling me that my son is 6 months old? As in halfway to a year old? No. No way. But yes, it's true. And this is such a great age! Beau is sitting up so well, which is super fun for him. He loves to bang on his toys, and put everything in his mouth. Everything. I had to get him a walker,  because all he wants to do is stand up. When I hold him, he's turning round and round.  So we ran up to a consignment store and grabbed one. Good call! He's 16.8lbs but feels like a chunker, and drinks 7oz bottles now. I'm going to try some foods, like sweet potatoes, but he wasn't sure about bananas. Beau is also a finger sucker... so cute. Only to sleep though, so let's hope it stays that way!
The church is doing baby dedication next week, that's going to be fun!

Hello little 5month old Beau!

This little guy is such a joy to be around. He's so happy, curious and fun.  Dare I say, he is so easy to handle! I mean, he is a great sleeper, cries when he's hungry and tired, but other than that, no worries! I love the way he drools when he smiles at me. He looks over at daddy when he walks in the room.  He loves his little sister, too. Oh man, I am in love! I didn't think I could share myself with another baby, or that I would be able to do with such ease. But Beau makes it easy. He is literally a mini version of his daddy so he's just adorable! He loves his feet and standing. We think he'll walk before he crawls! (Let's hope not!) He's starting to sit up alone, so that's great. I love that he'll be able to do more than just lay there, rolling over and over...

Beau's 4 months

Oops... I can't believe I had forgotten to post Beau's 4 month picture. Shame, shame on me. Please forgive me, son, if anyone ever tells you!!

Beau - 2 months

Beau's first Christmas!
He was able to enjoy it by napping... and that's quite alright with us.  I wasn't sure what to even get him since he technically can't open anything, but I also couldn't let my little babe not have anything under the tree.  So yes, he got a few toys, that he can play with in a few more months.
We enjoyed Christmas here with family, and had a low country boil, which we all welcomed as a new tradition.  Mmm...
Beau is up to 10.8lbs as of a doctor appt we went to since he caught a bad cold. It turned into RSV, and I didn't know what to do.  I was so worried, because Ava was so perfect as a newborn.  Not until she went to daycare did she get sick, so I didn't know what to do.  He had to have picked it up from Ava & even from me, since the weather changes made my sinuses go crazy.  Fortunately, it did not go into his chest or ears.  Unfortunately for him, I had to do the suction on his nose, vaporub and the humidifier.  It was pitiful, but it went away within a week.  We were so glad that it didn't get any worse.
During this 2 month growth, I have transitioned from breastfeeding to formula feeding.  I was afraid that Beau wasn't getting all he wanted, and to be honest, I was getting overwhelmed at feeding him all the time, and struggling with Ava and the dog, and anything else that I wanted to do.  In other words, I was over it. It's not the same with two children.  Ideally, I wanted to breastfeed for months - like 8 or more.  But that didn't happen, and that's ok.  I stopped beating myself up about it as much.
Little Beau is starting to sleep for longer periods of time, almost all night, which is glorious!!  And he's smiling so much.  He's lost a lot of hair, or started to about this time, due to cradle cap. It didn't get nasty, but I had to treat it and I think that's what had happened.  Hopefully it will grow back as nice as it had been.  It had some curl to it, that Ava's didn't.  (Thank goodness she has my hair!)
On to the next phase - more sleep, smiles and maybe some activity!!

Beau is 3 months old

Beau has reached the 3 month mark!
I had wanted him to come out 3 months old, but he didn't, so I waited patiently for the time to come.  Why?  Because at three months, these little babies start to get fun.  They sleep longer at night (knock on wood!), and laugh and gurgle and make silly faces and blow raspberries - or try.
And that's just what Beau's doing.  He's a ball of drool, going through a few bibs a day, but is happy to do it.  He smiles just like Ava did, all the time.  It's so sweet.  He also smiles at Ava - he sure loves her.  We have pulled out the bouncer, the piano and the bumbo chair for him, and he's enjoying all of them.  Yay!  He still loves to be in my arms, and I still love to hold him until he falls asleep at night.  I think he's almost ready for his crib.  We moved Ava to the crib at 3 months, and I think it's time to do so with him.  How do we know?  He's sleeping all night long, and he's almost touching the top and bottom of the bassinet.  I've put a few more touches on his room, making it more of his. Still need a chest of drawers, or some shelving unit, so hopefully we'll be able to get something soon to complete his room.
Beau is at 13lbs, a little bigger than Ava at this time.  I've not compared their sizes, but will do so, just to see.  We already know that he's bigger than Ava.  And rightly so, for our boy.  He laughs, and is ticklish, making diaper changes fun!  He coos and talks to me as he falls asleep. He's just perfect.  We thank God daily for the perfection.  It's so fun seeing him become more and more alert and I still am not ashamed to say that I am looking forward to him growing!

Sometimes I wonder how mom's do it

Like, seriously.  How do mom's do it? How do they stay at home, keep the house and kids in check, and themselves, and their husbands, and the laundry, and the dishes, and the dinner - oh my word, it's like Cinderella.  Without the stepmother, ugly stepsisters, the mean cat, the helpful mice, the fairy godmother, and the prince. Oh wait, so I guess maybe it's not like that at all.  But this whole stay at home mom thing is not for the faint of heart. It's not like I scored and became one of those wives that "get" to stay at home with a toddler and 3mo old because we live some fabulous life and I don't have to work.  No, for the record, my small business owning husband is able to make up for my loss of salary, by the grace of God, as his company is growing and doing well. Not "well" like I get to go buy a new car and fill my house with all of the tempting lovelies from wayfair.com or pottery barn, but well enough that it made sense and worked out this way.  It just happened.  I am super thankful that I am able to do it, that I "get" to do it in a sense that I'm the one that is here with my children.
But back to my rant - damn, it's hard to be a stay at home mama.  Gone are the days that I work all day long, solving other peoples' problems, speaking intelligently with other adults.  Gone are the days that I drop my toddler off at her preschool, where she is given lessons, tasks, projects, recesses, naps, music, play, more fun school things to do all day long.  I do not miss making lunches every day, or scrambling to get her and myself out of the house to make it to work on time (i.e., 5min late daily).  But I do miss that activity for her - mainly because I don't know that I have the creativity or the energy to keep her as busy and active as she was just less than 2 months ago.  I admire the way that teachers can wrangle 6-8 2 year olds on a daily basis, only to get the evenings & weekends off.  Going through potty training, feeding them, breaking up fights, keeping them interested... Wow. Just wow.
Some days - or really most days - I lose my patience.  I won't lie, I have nothing to hide.  I have to keep it real and be honest. I lose my patience.  I have a 2 year old diva on my hands.  I read another blog that said your children pick up the qualities of you - negative ones, especially - and put it right in your face, more or less. Yes, admittedly this is what Ava does. She is a little mimic of all my craziness.  I tell her to do something, she says, with an exasperated whisper, "whyyyy?" Really?  Really?!  I'm waiting on the day she says that to me.  Oh wait, she already has.
What I'm saying is that I feel like a POS most days, when I lose my patience.  I yell.  Brief, short commands from time to time.  There, I said it.  Judge me if you will.  I raise my voice.  I try to calmly, and with a smile tell her to do something, offer up a different way of doing something, or talk her off the ledge.  But she's a tough one.  It's much easier to talk an adult off the ledge.  You cannot reason with a 2 year old.  You can't argue with them.  She literally repeats and mimics me when I'm upset.  It's so eye-opening when a 2yr old reacts the same way you do. It's funny how she does it, but then it's like a slap in the face because it's annoying (to see how I am).  I wish I could disarm the switch that pushes me over the edge of "I just had myself together and now I feel like I need to throw a glass plate on the concrete" - basically the one that turns me into the Hulk.  And how do people get that much patience? Tell me it didn't come overnight. Lie to me and tell me that.  Or tell me the truth, tell me that I'm not alone in this crazy, messed up, emotional life of mine.  Tell me that you yourself have experienced the insanely impossible ability of trying to keep your sh*t together so you don't lose it!  Every single day, I literally get up thinking, what will today be like? Will it be good? Will I be good? Will I be patient? What can we do to keep Ava busy? What is going to set her off?  When will I reach my boiling point?  How much coffee will I consume today? Should I shower now, or later?  Or at all?  Can I pawn my kids off to my mom?  Can I just stay in bed? Is 10:00 a.m. too early to drink wine?  Can I just pretend to be perfect? But each day, it's a new approach.  It's a new adventure in the life of a 2 year old. She's perfectly terrible, and terribly perfect.
It goes without saying that I would never, in a million years, ever give back my present life.  I would never change the way it turned out.  Ever.  Never, ever, ever.  God blessed my husband and me with 2 beautiful, amazing, happy and healthy children.  If the worst is the terrible 2's (which I have already made Beau swear to me that he wouldn't behave the way Ava does - not even at 3), then I can handle it.  I don't deserve it though.  I don't deserve the life that God gave me.  None of us do, to be fair.  But when I feel like a jerk, when I feel like I should've waited one more second to react, or 5 more seconds, but didn't, I really feel bad.  Why do I have to be short? What does it do to the situation when the she-Hulk comes out, and destroys everything in her path?  Look, clearly I'm writing this when I'm feeling bad on myself, and I will move past it, and find a way out of this mess.  I just feel like an undeserving mother.  The worst mother out there.  Yes, because I didn't let my daughter brush her teeth again when all I asked her to do was to wash her hands.  Or when I made her wear bloomers instead of a diaper to help her know when she needs to go or went potty.  (As if her routine of hiding behind the sofa each time she poops is not obvious, or is so sneaky that I don't know what she's doing...)  I almost don't even want to post this, because I don't want the slight ounce of pity, or judgement for that matter.  I try to get down on her level, she doesn't listen.  I know that I've got to do better, and I have been praying that God help me. I don't want to be a jerk-mom.  SHE'S ONLY 2.  We have to learn each other all over again, as I have said before.  Granted, it's only February 2, and She's almost been out of school for 2 months.  When people asked me how it was being at home, I told them to ask me in about 2 months.  Well, ask me in March.  I hope to goodness that I have found my way and have found peace in knowing that perfection is not only impossible, but it does not  need to be expected from myself or my 2 year old.  I need to make a point to use free time researching ideas to keep little ones busy and occupied.  We will get through this.  We will make it.  (And let's hope daddy says she can go to preschool again in September...)

Be honest - am I alone? How do you moms deal with the terrible 2's???

Happy 2nd Birthday to our little girl!

The birthday girl, facing the front in the car!

Since I'm catching up on my blogging, why not post something about Ava's 2nd birthday?  What an amazing year our little girl has had.  She's grown so much, and has really blossomed into such a bright, fun, exciting little girl.  We are so impressed with her growth and love spending the time with her.  She went through teething, getting new sleep patterns, meeting new friends at school, playing and talking so much more.  We love this little ball of energy and love spending time with her.  She loves going to the zoo, reading books, playing with Coco, coloring, painting, playing in her little pool.  It's just been great. I love her beautiful hair, how she loves to have her little piggies polished and how she's my shadow.  She has had her moments, don't get me wrong, but she is such a great little person. It's funny how much she's changed and become a little person.  Wow!

on the rocking horse Papa made
for Ava (by hand!)

So for Ava's 2nd birthday party, I figured we could do something fun for her.  Her bestie from school had such a fun party last December, with a petting zoo, and pony rides at her house, and Ava loved it. She wanted to stay on the pony the entire time. So I did some research and looked up a few places. We decided it would be super fun for her, and pulled the trigger on this petting zoo idea.  Originally, I wasn't going to do the pony rides, but last minute changed my mind.  Super glad that we did.  Ava loved it all over again!  She's really got a calm about her when she's on the pony, and that impressed all of us.  We may have a little cowgirl on our hands.  (And that's ok!)

little cowgirl!

Part 2, Here we grow again (from the 1st trimester)

There's a much-needed update, being that we're at 6 months now of no posts, pictures, etc.  I'm ashamed, but human, so cut me some slack please.  ;)  (I have filled out most of Beau's baby book already, so I'm ahead of that, thank you very much!) For part 1, see this previous post.  "Here we grow again"
 For the first trimester, after finding out that I was  pregnant, we didn't tell anyone.  No, I take that back, my friend knew, she had to while I was keeping it from even Don, and Don spilled to one of his long time friends.  Our family, they were in the dark.  I made my appointment at what I had marked as 8 weeks, and things were great.  We really didn't want to tell anyone until we were past the first trimester.  Mostly because we were still in shock, I think.

Our special Easter announcement!

Mom found out a few weeks later, in the heat of a "discussion" we were having - as mothers and daughters often do. And she was super happy. We told the family after the first trimester, on Easter Sunday (April 5), and right after.   Everyone happy and super excited.   We told a few super close friends, but nothing public.    I didn't tell my work that I was pregnant until I was just over 12 weeks, after we had heard the heartbeat.  I had to wear loose clothing, because I was feeling like the bump was starting to show.  It was April 15 when I told them. (They didn't believe me!)  I just waited and didn't want to share much.  We found out the baby's sex at 20 weeks, right before Father's Day. I had hoped it was going to reveal a boy, and make such a great Father's Day gift for Don, his dad, my dad, his step-dad.  Well, yay!  It sure did!  Don was elated. We both were so happy!

Happy Easter from our growing family! 

For the first trimester, I was happy, not ill, things were going pretty well, as they had with Ava, thank goodness.  I was sensitive to smells, but that's not really out of the ordinary considering.  So all in all, trimester 1 was good to me.  (I did get super moody come the 2nd trimester, exhausted by the 3rd, but 1st was ok.) Baby H was nameless for quite a while, into the 2nd trimester, which you've read about in my other posts.  I think this pretty much takes care of the 1st trimester at this point.  :)  Thanks for stopping by, and pardon the delay.  I don't know why I was having such a hard time completing this.  Well, I do, it's because it's in the past.

Beau - already 1 month

Look who's already a month old!  While I'm ready for him to be about 5 months old, I still can't believe that he's already a month old.  This first month has been something else.  While Ava was my great sleeper, Beau is not so much. That being said, he will do his share of sleeping. But he cluster fed like a monster for the first couple of weeks. Either I didn't remember, or I do, but he and Ava are very different.  She had longer stretches of sleeping, and he does not.  He eats a lot more!  He is a boy, what do I expect, huh?

Ava is finally coming around to the idea of having a little brother.  She helps push his stroller, will sit with him while I prepare meals, gently gives him his paci, and recognizes when he doesn't want it - by saying,  "Beau don't  want his paci, mommy."  She even kisses him now, and will ask to hold him occasionally  (with my help).  It's very sweet.  And she's going to be a great sister as he grows.

We've already introduced him to formula,  because I was afraid he wasn't getting enough milk when he nursed.  He would be hungry all the time, so we decided to give it a try.  Fortunately,  for all of us, he adjusted well.  He's not completely on formula, but supplementing it. I didn't think I would have done this so soon, but adjustments are made as time goes by.  Things don't always go as planned, as we know, so it's been an emotional time getting accustomed to different ways.

It's been an interesting month, and we love seeing Beau change so much. From his smiles and coo's to holding his head up (for moments) and sleeping on us, we love it all!

What they don't tell you about being a mom again

There are some things that people don't really tell you about having another child that probably need to be said.  I mean, I don't go searching online for these types of blogs or things, but no one even vocalized it to me prior to having another baby.  I was told that I would quickly learn that I am capable of loving another baby just as much as the first, and that my heart would grow in size.  I learned that with Ava and Coco - yes, you read that right.  People tell you that your child #1 may act out, get jealous, be rough, misbehave, etc. Their world is going to be rocked, and turned upside down, bringing in another child.  They will have to learn how to share mommy and daddy with another person, and not understand.  Well, what no one told me was that I had to learn to share myself with both children.  I had to find a way to equally distribute myself between the two.  Now, while obviously the baby will require more attention, I can't technically distribute myself equally.  I have a spouse, and he is extremely helpful.  I'm not dismissing that.  As a mother, I don't expect him to understand what I go through in that aspect.  And mom's, you know what I'm talking about.  Ava is 2 1/2.  She has such a great personality, and she and I were really starting to get into a little groove and have fun. She is my little shadow, my bestie.  We had a little thing going.  Now I have to share myself with another child.  I know that she and I will always have our relationship, but the reality of it changing, even if only slightly and temporarily, really hurt me.  I cried.  Like every day.  And if you know me, you know I am not a crier.  I barely shed a tear with both children being born!  But I will cry when I watch tv... So weird.  But anyway, that was hard for me in the first couple of weeks.  During the last trimester of my pregnancy with Beau, I was short with Ava. I was exhausted and grew impatient with her. I will admit that.  And she is 2.  She's perfectly, terribly 2, every bit of it.  She acts out and pushes my buttons already, not because of her baby brother.  So I've been dealing with her toddler ways already.  I was prepared. So I guess now, in retrospect, I can be thankful for her being such a turd sometimes.  She's really growing and being so sweet, and now, 5wks after bringing Beau home, she no longer pulls away from him and tells me, "I don't want that baby," but rather she will pet him, kiss him, lay by him, give him his paci, turn on his swing, and tell him that she loves him.  She'll sit next to him, but still maintain her independence.  She's been that way since she's been 1 1/2, and is fine going off separately to her room, his room, her table to play or now her favorite, washing her hands all the time and playing with mommy's makeup.  Ava and I will be able to go off on our own soon, and with her still being so young, when Beau is her age, she'll still be sweet and young and even more helpful with Beau.  (Oh, let's hope!) So I won't miss her little years.  Reminding myself of this made me feel much better and less sad.    

So what I want to convey to you new moms of your 2nd children is that your world will be turned upside down, too.  This is a big change, bringing another life into the world.  Stuff gets "real" now that there's another human to be responsible for.  You're starting all over being a new mom and dad.  That freedom is now a couple of years away again (of sleeping in, or going out late, or having a glass of wine...)  You may secretly reminisce of the day that you had only one child, and what it would be like if you only had that one child.  And you know what? That's ok. You're human.  And you're a mom.  You can handle this.  You will move past it (really in like 2 weeks maybe, like I did), but it may take some prayer, or some reassurance from another mom, or just by taking a step back and realizing that you're not alone in this.  I have no regrets, and wouldn't change the way this worked out.  I do fantasize about having just Ava from time to time. But knowing that we now have a little boy too, reminds us how much we wanted this. We wanted 2 children, and we are so completely blessed beyond words with a beautiful family and 2 amazing children.  While are lives are completely changed, they are changed for the better.  And that's how I want it to stay.  

Introducing Beau Fisher

As promised, here is the story of our little Beau's introduction into the world.  It's not what we had expected, nor what we "planned" at all, which in itself is a joke according to the big man upstairs.  He had much different plans for us, and looking back at it now, I am so thankful that it worked out the way it did.
As many of you know, that have followed my blog, Don and I had decided that a c-section was the best option for us, along with the agreement of my doctors and np.  This is because of the issues that I had with the delivery of Ava, and she was a tiny little thing.  We had also decided that I was going to have my tubes tied at the same time, so it was all planned out to happen the week before Beau's due date, which was 10/29/15, the Thursday before Halloween (his actual due date).  So working up to the week before I was to go out, I was pretty stressed out.  I was overdoing myself, and wearing myself as thin as I could.  I was on auto-pilot, and didn't know how to just stop.  I felt bad about cutting hours short at work, but knew that I had to do it, because I was at the end of my rope.  Pair that with a very diva-licious 2yr old, and I had little left in my tank.
The weekend before my appointment, my brother had come over to paint Beau's room.  Don had a fishing tournament that he was going to be in on Sunday.  So he was at home before the day he would be gone.  (It was inshore, and in town, so he would get back as soon as I needed him, if necessary.)  I had a feeling that Beau would be "early," and this Saturday, things just felt so real.  I was taking it easy, trying to give Ava my all, and even napped with her, knowing it would probably be the last nap that we would have as just the two of us.  It was very sweet.  In the early evening, I looked at Don and told him he probably needed to cancel his fishing tournament - this baby is going to come early.  Again, the feeling.  My brother was laughing, he probably didn't know what to expect.  I had been updating my mother throughout the day/night, so she was prepared.  So on the evening went, and we put Ava to bed.  I decided that I would just sleep with her, in her "big bed," because I started having contractions.  Fast forward to about 10pm, and they were about 10-15 minutes apart.  I started timing them at that point.  Yes, it's real!  I showered, washed my hair, and you know I made sure my eyebrows were on!  I text mom around 11 and told her that she needed to come on out to the house, because they were getting closer.  Much closer.  I called the dr's office and was able to speak with the nurse on call, and got the "instructions" that I had already pretty much known.  Mom got out at midnight, and we sent her straight to bed!  On and on the contractions came, closer and closer.  By 2am, they were 7-5 min apart, I called the nurse and told her I was going to get to the hospital shortly.  I have to add, while I was going through the contractions, I was calm, not as scared, and even joked to Don, "thank God for modern medicine, and not having to feel this birth! Imagine how it's been for women all through the years with no meds!" We had a chuckle.  So after a brow touchup, and whispering to mom that we were leaving, we left for the hospital and arrived at 3a.m.  As we were walking up to the hospital, the contractions were much stronger, and I was ready to get some meds.
By the time I was wheeled up to triage, they were much stronger.  It was like Beau knew where he was.  I had to go through bloodwork, and all the questions - including multiple, "are you sure you want to get a c-section? It's major surgery..."  "Yes!  It was the plan. I'm getting my tubes tied, too. Why do you keep asking me? When can I get my meds?!"  I was told it would be 30+ minutes to get any kind of meds, and the contractions were getting more intense by the minute. And closer!  I hadn't been checked to see how dilated I was because I was up for a c-section, so when they checked me, I was at 5-6cm!  Fortunately, the doctor that was performing my c-section was the doctor on call, and she arrived quickly.  I asked her why they kept asking me about the c-section, and reminded me that we were still waiting on blood work to get back for any meds to be administered.  I asked when the blood work would be back and they said "he" was coming upstairs.  I said, "he's coming?" and they said, "he's coming? Are you ready to push?" They thought I was talking about Beau, but I wasn't. But when they asked me if I was ready to push, my response was, "he's coming. Yes, I need to push."  They checked me again, and I was at 8cm.  Don and I just looked at each other and I said I was ready.  Whatever!  We didn't know what else to do, I wanted to get drugs, I didn't want to tear like I did with Ava.  I was scared, but ready to do something. I felt like Beau was right there!! They got to it and rushed me to a room at that point.  Send up the anesthesiologist anyway!

I got to a room around 4am, and was just going with the contractions, and NOT quietly.  The anesthesiologist arrived and he just looked at me like a crazy person.  I couldn't be still, I was in pain. I asked him how long it would take to get the epidural, and he said, "ten minutes." I was like, "forget it!" Don told me later that he was at the door talking to the nurses, saying he couldn't do anything with me, because I couldn't be still.  Shortly after 4-something, the doctor broke my water (weird feeling), and I felt like I had to push.  At the right time, I gave it my all, nothing.  But the Dr very calmly said, "I'm looking at his head, right here, and his black hair."  OMG.  Really?  I had my nurse's hand and locked eyes with her while Don fanned me.  I had no meds, I had no iv of anything (it fell out!), I pushed.  Oh wow.  Y'all, what they say about the 2nd baby being easier, for me, it was true.  The doctor had to only make a very small tear, which I didn't care about at that time, I pushed a couple more times, felt that "ring of fire," told them my a** felt like it was going to explode, but pushed with my all.  The feeling of a baby popping out was incredible.  Phenomenal.  And then the body.  The relief was immediate.  It was literally the best feeling in the world.  (And then the placenta, that was weird, but almost equally relieving.)  Out came a beautiful baby boy!!  A perfect, 7lb, 5oz, 19 3/4" long baby, with a head full of dark brown hair.  He was absolutely beautiful, and looked exactly like daddy!  I have a baby pic of Don and they are twins.  I still haven't found it, but when I do, I will do a side-by-side comparison.  I clung to this baby, lots of skin-to-skin contact and it was so awesome.  I'm telling you, that feeling of pushing a baby, feeling every bit of it, and then literally forgetting it once you feel that release - I get it now.  I just looked at my doctor, as she was stitching me up (lol!) and kept saying how that was phenomenal, incredible.  I couldn't really talk - it was just amazing.  And so completely different from Ava's delivery.  I was so happy to be done, and so completely grateful that it didn't take as long as hers, and that I didn't tear like I did with hers.  I was up shortly afterwards, and walking, going to the bathroom, just so different.
Later on that same day, I made the decision to not get my tubes tied.  Don said he would consider getting it taken care of on his end, and I will completely go with him on that!  I just was over the entire thing.  I was super happy with the way things went, I wasn't in pain like I could've been, and wanted to ride that high as long as I could.  So I did.
My mom brought Ava up later to visit, and she wasn't really into the baby.  I wasn't too surprised, nor was I hurt - I almost would rather her not be too touchy-feely with him at first.  Plus, we were in a hospital, and mommy was in a bed, so she didn't know what to think.  Don actually went home Sunday night, and gave mom some rest.  They spent the day together, daddy & daughter, so that was special.  I'm actually not super into a lot of visitors, so it was nice to have that quiet time alone with the baby. Being "healthy" and able to walk around myself, made it easier and much less stressful, alone.  I had a couple of girlfriends come to see me, so that was nice.  And Don brought Ava up later.  He had to go back to work Tuesday, so I was alone again, enjoying our time.  Came home Wednesday and boy was I ready.  I missed my little girl, and wanted to get home.  Mom came to get me (finally), and we made the trip home.  Don had to work, and felt so bad that he couldn't bring me home, but that's the life of a business owner.  I really have no harsh feelings about that, I reassured him.  If the delivery had gone differently, so would the homecoming and his time off.  But thankfully, it all went well, and according to God's plan.  Which we were totally on board with.
Thank you, God for our perfect, beautiful baby boy.  Our family, while forever changed, is complete.

39 weeks

How far along: 39 weeks, the magic number. C section scheduled for Thursday... but this little boy had plans of his own! 
Name: Beau Fisher
Boy/girl: boy!!
Movement:  All kinds of movement
Contractions: Yes. I had a feeling they would officially begin today. At 10pm they started.
Total weight gain:  19 or 20 lbs
Maternity clothes: what fits...
Mood: very emotional. Exhausted and just done.

Sleep: Some nights are better than others.  

Cravings: No. 

Anything make me sick: no

Miss anything: Feeling normal, touching my toes.
Belly button in/out: stayed in
Wedding rings on/off: off
Best moment this week: Beau's room got painted by my bro, so that's great!
Looking forward to: meeting Beau!

*and by the time I hit 39weeks, as y'all know, Beau decided he was ready to be with us.  I will share his story separately, in another post.  And I will leave you with a pic of the last nap Ava and I had alone, for a while. I knew it would be our last just the 2 of us bc I just had that feeling Beau was coming.  It was bittersweet and precious with my angel. 

38 weeks - and I am so ready!

How far along: 38 weeks - and I'm about ready to be not pregnant anymore
Name: Beau Fisher
Boy/girl: boy!!
Movement: He's still moving around in there, but I'm pretty sure that he's running out of room
Contractions: Not since over a week ago with the "Toni Braxton Hicks" contractions, as my husband called them
Total weight gain: down 19lbs
Maternity clothes: Yes, but I pretty much don't feel comfortable in anything.  At all.
Mood: Fine, but emotional.  I think I'm stretching myself too thin at this point.  I'm still working, but cut back my hours (1hr a day only), but on this day, I realize that I don't have much more to give.  I am beyond exhausted, but somehow cannot bring myself to just call in.  I am stubborn in that I just keep working.  My mom thinks I should've started my leave last week, but I figured, "why not one more week? I'll just start the leave the week of my appointment."  Well, it may be backfiring on me now.  I have a feeling Beau won't wait until next Thursday.  I'm pretty sure he'll make an appearance early.  And that makes me anxious.  Call me dedicated, or just plain stupid.   This pregnancy is just so different from my first.  I'm older, I have a toddler, I am beat! 

Sleep: Some nights are better than others.  

Cravings: No. 

Anything make me sick: no

Miss anything: Feeling normal.
Belly button in/out: in - but looks like it's out when I lean back sometimes!
Wedding rings on/off: off
Best moment this week: Getting a few more things for Beau, doing the laundry and folding all his sweet little clothes. Oh, let's not forget the most important part of this week, my hair appt!  Roots are gone, and my hair is looking good!
Looking forward to: Honestly, not working. Being able to rest a little more before I go into this c-section and tubal fiasco.  

37 weeks

How far along: Wowzah, time sure does fly by quickly with baby #2. It's insane. I thought it was going slowly,  and then boom,  here I am at 37 weeks.  Goodness.
Name: Beau Fisher
Boy/girl: boy!!
Movement: all the time
Contractions: yes, first time having the braxton hicks. not cool, but glad it was just that.
Total weight gain: down 2lbs, so 17lbs gained
Maternity clothes: you know it!
Mood: ehh.. exhausted

Sleep: not as much as I'd like bc it's hard to get comfortable. 

Cravings: chocolate and chips and salsa

Anything make me sick: no

Miss anything: reaching my toes
Belly button in/out: in
Wedding rings on/off: off
Best moment this week: Daddy and I went shopping for Beau, and we picked up a few more things for his room.  And we accomplished the task of getting Ava's room moved. I still have some decorating to finish, but her furniture is all set up. Pretty much all of her things are moved in, but she'll be in her crib for a little longer, until our family leaves after Beau arrives. No rush since she'll have to sleep in her crib then, anyway.
Looking forward to: Putting the finishing touches on Beau's room, and getting it painted.  Or really I should say, getting in his room and starting on it. Oh ya, and getting closer to my appt!

36 weeks & Baby watch is officially on!

3 weeks (or less) until we meet our Beau Fisher!

How far along: 36 weeks
Gender: boy
Name: Beau Fisher (he finally has a middle name, that Don picked out & I think it's great!)
Movement: yes - so much movement. Even during my ultrasound I had yesterday to measure his size.  (Can't really tell, but was told that he'll probably be long like Ava - only longer, and not chunky.
Total weight gain/loss: 19lb - at least I haven't gained more in the last 2 weeks!
Stretch marks: a few marks.
Belly button in/out: In
Wedding rings on/off: off, just wearing a band
Sleep:  For sure. I had started sleeping in the other room, on Ava's "big bed" (our queen bed we used to have in our master - it's very soft and easy on my hips, although I miss my hubby!!)
Food/drink cravings: sweets... such bad things!  Once I break the seal on a sweet, it's all over.
Anything makes me sick: No
Miss anything: Comfort - in sitting, standing, walking, sleeping.
Mood: Still doing good.

Happy Ava = Happy mama

Best moment this week: Meeting the Dr. that is scheduled to do my c-section, after seeing Beau on the ultrasound and his cute face (no, not 3d, just regular; I could tell he was precious!).  She made me feel ok about the unknown that I'm getting into, and reassured that I will be ok during and after.  I have no idea what to expect this time around, just as I didn't the first time with Ava.  But I am scared that Beau will come early, and that kinda stresses me out with work, and being even the slightest bit "ready" for what is going to be coming.  I mean, the part about me being opened up, rearranged, sewn back together, etc.  Then the gas pains, and the soreness.  Of course I have no clue how this will feel.  The recovery from the first delivery was painful and dreadful. But at least I'll be able to sit on my tooshie this time, rather than being in so much pain that I hated even sitting down or going to the bathroom.  So I guess I've just got to wait and see... Also, the office ladies threw a shower for me today and got me some super cute things. And the office got the car seat I registered for.  So sweet!! Oh, and one more highlight of the week - our office hired a temp to fill in while I'm out.  I've been training her since Monday and am so relieved that she's picking it all up nicely.  And oh ya, my super clean house!!
Looking forward to: Going through Beau's gift's and organizing. I want to go pick up some things that I didn't get from the registry, and try to get his room set up.  Which means moving things into Ava's new room. Obviously she'll be in her crib still, but I would like to attempt to get her room ready. OMG and I have got to pack my  hospital bag!  Don reminded me of that the other day - just because we don't know when Beau is coming, I've got to be prepared.  My appt is in 3 weeks.  3 weeks.  Let that sink in.

34 weeks

Seriously, how tired do I look?

How far along: 34weeks
Gender: boy
Name: Beau
Movement: yes
Total weight gain/loss: 19lb
Stretch marks: a few small marks. Ugh
Belly button in/out: still in
Wedding rings on/off: off, just wearing a band
Sleep: yes, and naps on the weekend
Food/drink cravings: sweets...
Anything makes me sick: nah
Miss anything: the ability to shave and bend over
Mood: better than last week, but Ava had a rough week. I had to leave her with daddy one night and go out on my own.  I met up with another pregnant friend and had a vent session, which was so needed and appreciated. And over ice cream!! Perfection.
Best moment this week: honestly,  the day after Ava's meltdown, and she was a little sweetie. That and I am preregistered at the hospital,  and have scheduley csection for 10/29.
Looking forward to: getting closer to Beau's due date!

35 weeks

Less than 5 weeks until we meet our baby boy!  (let that sink in...)

How far along: 35weeks
Gender: boy
Name: Beau
Movement: yep
Total weight gain/loss: 19lb 
Stretch marks: a few...
Belly button in/out: still in - barely
Wedding rings on/off: wearing a simple band
Sleep: yes, and naps!
Food/drink cravings: chocolate ice cream
Anything makes me sick: no
Miss anything: walking normal
Mood: roller coaster-y, but mostly good (thanks to Ava's good behavior)
Best moment this week: Believe it or not, actually calling a "cleaning lady" that was recommended by a co-worker. I even lined up an appt with her, and am already excited to have her come!

Perfect shower thrown by my friend Michele.

Looking forward to: My baby shower this weekend!! My girlfriend has put together some pretty great ideas, and I've really been looking forward to seeing everything! The theme was "Ahoy!  It's a boy!" and the decorations were so perfect.  From the names of the foods, the yummy cake and the home made salt scrub (that she made herself), she really outdid herself.  I was so happy!  It's great to have such an amazing friend, and on top of that, our girls, 3 weeks apart, are besties.  All of my girlfriends were there, and we had a great time. I'm so fortunate to have such great friends!!

Ava & Olivia! 

33 weeks

How far along: 33 weeks
Gender: boy
Name: Beau David (we think... again)
Movement:like 20hrs out of the day!
Total weight gain: 14lbs (maybe more this week... just sayin')
Belly button in/out : still in
Stretch marks: a couple, sadly.
Wedding rings on/off: On - put them back on, but my hands are still cracking from all the washing, so I put the little band back on.
Sleep: Yes, and I'm flat exhausted at the 6 o'clock hour - which is when we're driving home from work/school.
Miss anything: comfort - in sitting, standing, walking, you name it.  And non-puffy feet.  Oh my.
Craving food/drink: fruits and sweet tea.  And then salty. Oh, last week I forgot to mention that I was craving a specific sub from a local shop and it's all deli meat.  So thankfully, they offer it warm, and I enjoyed every bite of it.
Anything make me sick: nah - strong smells are getting to me, again, too.
Mood: still hangin in there.  I'm tired.
Best moment this week:  A foot massage from my husband - after he pointed out sympathetically that they were so puffy.
Looking forward to: Doing more to Ava's new room, and maybe getting some things for Beau's room.