Sometimes I wonder how mom's do it

Like, seriously.  How do mom's do it? How do they stay at home, keep the house and kids in check, and themselves, and their husbands, and the laundry, and the dishes, and the dinner - oh my word, it's like Cinderella.  Without the stepmother, ugly stepsisters, the mean cat, the helpful mice, the fairy godmother, and the prince. Oh wait, so I guess maybe it's not like that at all.  But this whole stay at home mom thing is not for the faint of heart. It's not like I scored and became one of those wives that "get" to stay at home with a toddler and 3mo old because we live some fabulous life and I don't have to work.  No, for the record, my small business owning husband is able to make up for my loss of salary, by the grace of God, as his company is growing and doing well. Not "well" like I get to go buy a new car and fill my house with all of the tempting lovelies from wayfair.com or pottery barn, but well enough that it made sense and worked out this way.  It just happened.  I am super thankful that I am able to do it, that I "get" to do it in a sense that I'm the one that is here with my children.
But back to my rant - damn, it's hard to be a stay at home mama.  Gone are the days that I work all day long, solving other peoples' problems, speaking intelligently with other adults.  Gone are the days that I drop my toddler off at her preschool, where she is given lessons, tasks, projects, recesses, naps, music, play, more fun school things to do all day long.  I do not miss making lunches every day, or scrambling to get her and myself out of the house to make it to work on time (i.e., 5min late daily).  But I do miss that activity for her - mainly because I don't know that I have the creativity or the energy to keep her as busy and active as she was just less than 2 months ago.  I admire the way that teachers can wrangle 6-8 2 year olds on a daily basis, only to get the evenings & weekends off.  Going through potty training, feeding them, breaking up fights, keeping them interested... Wow. Just wow.
Some days - or really most days - I lose my patience.  I won't lie, I have nothing to hide.  I have to keep it real and be honest. I lose my patience.  I have a 2 year old diva on my hands.  I read another blog that said your children pick up the qualities of you - negative ones, especially - and put it right in your face, more or less. Yes, admittedly this is what Ava does. She is a little mimic of all my craziness.  I tell her to do something, she says, with an exasperated whisper, "whyyyy?" Really?  Really?!  I'm waiting on the day she says that to me.  Oh wait, she already has.
What I'm saying is that I feel like a POS most days, when I lose my patience.  I yell.  Brief, short commands from time to time.  There, I said it.  Judge me if you will.  I raise my voice.  I try to calmly, and with a smile tell her to do something, offer up a different way of doing something, or talk her off the ledge.  But she's a tough one.  It's much easier to talk an adult off the ledge.  You cannot reason with a 2 year old.  You can't argue with them.  She literally repeats and mimics me when I'm upset.  It's so eye-opening when a 2yr old reacts the same way you do. It's funny how she does it, but then it's like a slap in the face because it's annoying (to see how I am).  I wish I could disarm the switch that pushes me over the edge of "I just had myself together and now I feel like I need to throw a glass plate on the concrete" - basically the one that turns me into the Hulk.  And how do people get that much patience? Tell me it didn't come overnight. Lie to me and tell me that.  Or tell me the truth, tell me that I'm not alone in this crazy, messed up, emotional life of mine.  Tell me that you yourself have experienced the insanely impossible ability of trying to keep your sh*t together so you don't lose it!  Every single day, I literally get up thinking, what will today be like? Will it be good? Will I be good? Will I be patient? What can we do to keep Ava busy? What is going to set her off?  When will I reach my boiling point?  How much coffee will I consume today? Should I shower now, or later?  Or at all?  Can I pawn my kids off to my mom?  Can I just stay in bed? Is 10:00 a.m. too early to drink wine?  Can I just pretend to be perfect? But each day, it's a new approach.  It's a new adventure in the life of a 2 year old. She's perfectly terrible, and terribly perfect.
It goes without saying that I would never, in a million years, ever give back my present life.  I would never change the way it turned out.  Ever.  Never, ever, ever.  God blessed my husband and me with 2 beautiful, amazing, happy and healthy children.  If the worst is the terrible 2's (which I have already made Beau swear to me that he wouldn't behave the way Ava does - not even at 3), then I can handle it.  I don't deserve it though.  I don't deserve the life that God gave me.  None of us do, to be fair.  But when I feel like a jerk, when I feel like I should've waited one more second to react, or 5 more seconds, but didn't, I really feel bad.  Why do I have to be short? What does it do to the situation when the she-Hulk comes out, and destroys everything in her path?  Look, clearly I'm writing this when I'm feeling bad on myself, and I will move past it, and find a way out of this mess.  I just feel like an undeserving mother.  The worst mother out there.  Yes, because I didn't let my daughter brush her teeth again when all I asked her to do was to wash her hands.  Or when I made her wear bloomers instead of a diaper to help her know when she needs to go or went potty.  (As if her routine of hiding behind the sofa each time she poops is not obvious, or is so sneaky that I don't know what she's doing...)  I almost don't even want to post this, because I don't want the slight ounce of pity, or judgement for that matter.  I try to get down on her level, she doesn't listen.  I know that I've got to do better, and I have been praying that God help me. I don't want to be a jerk-mom.  SHE'S ONLY 2.  We have to learn each other all over again, as I have said before.  Granted, it's only February 2, and She's almost been out of school for 2 months.  When people asked me how it was being at home, I told them to ask me in about 2 months.  Well, ask me in March.  I hope to goodness that I have found my way and have found peace in knowing that perfection is not only impossible, but it does not  need to be expected from myself or my 2 year old.  I need to make a point to use free time researching ideas to keep little ones busy and occupied.  We will get through this.  We will make it.  (And let's hope daddy says she can go to preschool again in September...)

Be honest - am I alone? How do you moms deal with the terrible 2's???

Happy 2nd Birthday to our little girl!

The birthday girl, facing the front in the car!

Since I'm catching up on my blogging, why not post something about Ava's 2nd birthday?  What an amazing year our little girl has had.  She's grown so much, and has really blossomed into such a bright, fun, exciting little girl.  We are so impressed with her growth and love spending the time with her.  She went through teething, getting new sleep patterns, meeting new friends at school, playing and talking so much more.  We love this little ball of energy and love spending time with her.  She loves going to the zoo, reading books, playing with Coco, coloring, painting, playing in her little pool.  It's just been great. I love her beautiful hair, how she loves to have her little piggies polished and how she's my shadow.  She has had her moments, don't get me wrong, but she is such a great little person. It's funny how much she's changed and become a little person.  Wow!

on the rocking horse Papa made
for Ava (by hand!)

So for Ava's 2nd birthday party, I figured we could do something fun for her.  Her bestie from school had such a fun party last December, with a petting zoo, and pony rides at her house, and Ava loved it. She wanted to stay on the pony the entire time. So I did some research and looked up a few places. We decided it would be super fun for her, and pulled the trigger on this petting zoo idea.  Originally, I wasn't going to do the pony rides, but last minute changed my mind.  Super glad that we did.  Ava loved it all over again!  She's really got a calm about her when she's on the pony, and that impressed all of us.  We may have a little cowgirl on our hands.  (And that's ok!)

little cowgirl!

Part 2, Here we grow again (from the 1st trimester)

There's a much-needed update, being that we're at 6 months now of no posts, pictures, etc.  I'm ashamed, but human, so cut me some slack please.  ;)  (I have filled out most of Beau's baby book already, so I'm ahead of that, thank you very much!) For part 1, see this previous post.  "Here we grow again"
 For the first trimester, after finding out that I was  pregnant, we didn't tell anyone.  No, I take that back, my friend knew, she had to while I was keeping it from even Don, and Don spilled to one of his long time friends.  Our family, they were in the dark.  I made my appointment at what I had marked as 8 weeks, and things were great.  We really didn't want to tell anyone until we were past the first trimester.  Mostly because we were still in shock, I think.

Our special Easter announcement!

Mom found out a few weeks later, in the heat of a "discussion" we were having - as mothers and daughters often do. And she was super happy. We told the family after the first trimester, on Easter Sunday (April 5), and right after.   Everyone happy and super excited.   We told a few super close friends, but nothing public.    I didn't tell my work that I was pregnant until I was just over 12 weeks, after we had heard the heartbeat.  I had to wear loose clothing, because I was feeling like the bump was starting to show.  It was April 15 when I told them. (They didn't believe me!)  I just waited and didn't want to share much.  We found out the baby's sex at 20 weeks, right before Father's Day. I had hoped it was going to reveal a boy, and make such a great Father's Day gift for Don, his dad, my dad, his step-dad.  Well, yay!  It sure did!  Don was elated. We both were so happy!

Happy Easter from our growing family! 

For the first trimester, I was happy, not ill, things were going pretty well, as they had with Ava, thank goodness.  I was sensitive to smells, but that's not really out of the ordinary considering.  So all in all, trimester 1 was good to me.  (I did get super moody come the 2nd trimester, exhausted by the 3rd, but 1st was ok.) Baby H was nameless for quite a while, into the 2nd trimester, which you've read about in my other posts.  I think this pretty much takes care of the 1st trimester at this point.  :)  Thanks for stopping by, and pardon the delay.  I don't know why I was having such a hard time completing this.  Well, I do, it's because it's in the past.

Beau - already 1 month

Look who's already a month old!  While I'm ready for him to be about 5 months old, I still can't believe that he's already a month old.  This first month has been something else.  While Ava was my great sleeper, Beau is not so much. That being said, he will do his share of sleeping. But he cluster fed like a monster for the first couple of weeks. Either I didn't remember, or I do, but he and Ava are very different.  She had longer stretches of sleeping, and he does not.  He eats a lot more!  He is a boy, what do I expect, huh?

Ava is finally coming around to the idea of having a little brother.  She helps push his stroller, will sit with him while I prepare meals, gently gives him his paci, and recognizes when he doesn't want it - by saying,  "Beau don't  want his paci, mommy."  She even kisses him now, and will ask to hold him occasionally  (with my help).  It's very sweet.  And she's going to be a great sister as he grows.

We've already introduced him to formula,  because I was afraid he wasn't getting enough milk when he nursed.  He would be hungry all the time, so we decided to give it a try.  Fortunately,  for all of us, he adjusted well.  He's not completely on formula, but supplementing it. I didn't think I would have done this so soon, but adjustments are made as time goes by.  Things don't always go as planned, as we know, so it's been an emotional time getting accustomed to different ways.

It's been an interesting month, and we love seeing Beau change so much. From his smiles and coo's to holding his head up (for moments) and sleeping on us, we love it all!

What they don't tell you about being a mom again

There are some things that people don't really tell you about having another child that probably need to be said.  I mean, I don't go searching online for these types of blogs or things, but no one even vocalized it to me prior to having another baby.  I was told that I would quickly learn that I am capable of loving another baby just as much as the first, and that my heart would grow in size.  I learned that with Ava and Coco - yes, you read that right.  People tell you that your child #1 may act out, get jealous, be rough, misbehave, etc. Their world is going to be rocked, and turned upside down, bringing in another child.  They will have to learn how to share mommy and daddy with another person, and not understand.  Well, what no one told me was that I had to learn to share myself with both children.  I had to find a way to equally distribute myself between the two.  Now, while obviously the baby will require more attention, I can't technically distribute myself equally.  I have a spouse, and he is extremely helpful.  I'm not dismissing that.  As a mother, I don't expect him to understand what I go through in that aspect.  And mom's, you know what I'm talking about.  Ava is 2 1/2.  She has such a great personality, and she and I were really starting to get into a little groove and have fun. She is my little shadow, my bestie.  We had a little thing going.  Now I have to share myself with another child.  I know that she and I will always have our relationship, but the reality of it changing, even if only slightly and temporarily, really hurt me.  I cried.  Like every day.  And if you know me, you know I am not a crier.  I barely shed a tear with both children being born!  But I will cry when I watch tv... So weird.  But anyway, that was hard for me in the first couple of weeks.  During the last trimester of my pregnancy with Beau, I was short with Ava. I was exhausted and grew impatient with her. I will admit that.  And she is 2.  She's perfectly, terribly 2, every bit of it.  She acts out and pushes my buttons already, not because of her baby brother.  So I've been dealing with her toddler ways already.  I was prepared. So I guess now, in retrospect, I can be thankful for her being such a turd sometimes.  She's really growing and being so sweet, and now, 5wks after bringing Beau home, she no longer pulls away from him and tells me, "I don't want that baby," but rather she will pet him, kiss him, lay by him, give him his paci, turn on his swing, and tell him that she loves him.  She'll sit next to him, but still maintain her independence.  She's been that way since she's been 1 1/2, and is fine going off separately to her room, his room, her table to play or now her favorite, washing her hands all the time and playing with mommy's makeup.  Ava and I will be able to go off on our own soon, and with her still being so young, when Beau is her age, she'll still be sweet and young and even more helpful with Beau.  (Oh, let's hope!) So I won't miss her little years.  Reminding myself of this made me feel much better and less sad.    

So what I want to convey to you new moms of your 2nd children is that your world will be turned upside down, too.  This is a big change, bringing another life into the world.  Stuff gets "real" now that there's another human to be responsible for.  You're starting all over being a new mom and dad.  That freedom is now a couple of years away again (of sleeping in, or going out late, or having a glass of wine...)  You may secretly reminisce of the day that you had only one child, and what it would be like if you only had that one child.  And you know what? That's ok. You're human.  And you're a mom.  You can handle this.  You will move past it (really in like 2 weeks maybe, like I did), but it may take some prayer, or some reassurance from another mom, or just by taking a step back and realizing that you're not alone in this.  I have no regrets, and wouldn't change the way this worked out.  I do fantasize about having just Ava from time to time. But knowing that we now have a little boy too, reminds us how much we wanted this. We wanted 2 children, and we are so completely blessed beyond words with a beautiful family and 2 amazing children.  While are lives are completely changed, they are changed for the better.  And that's how I want it to stay.  

Introducing Beau Fisher

As promised, here is the story of our little Beau's introduction into the world.  It's not what we had expected, nor what we "planned" at all, which in itself is a joke according to the big man upstairs.  He had much different plans for us, and looking back at it now, I am so thankful that it worked out the way it did.
As many of you know, that have followed my blog, Don and I had decided that a c-section was the best option for us, along with the agreement of my doctors and np.  This is because of the issues that I had with the delivery of Ava, and she was a tiny little thing.  We had also decided that I was going to have my tubes tied at the same time, so it was all planned out to happen the week before Beau's due date, which was 10/29/15, the Thursday before Halloween (his actual due date).  So working up to the week before I was to go out, I was pretty stressed out.  I was overdoing myself, and wearing myself as thin as I could.  I was on auto-pilot, and didn't know how to just stop.  I felt bad about cutting hours short at work, but knew that I had to do it, because I was at the end of my rope.  Pair that with a very diva-licious 2yr old, and I had little left in my tank.
The weekend before my appointment, my brother had come over to paint Beau's room.  Don had a fishing tournament that he was going to be in on Sunday.  So he was at home before the day he would be gone.  (It was inshore, and in town, so he would get back as soon as I needed him, if necessary.)  I had a feeling that Beau would be "early," and this Saturday, things just felt so real.  I was taking it easy, trying to give Ava my all, and even napped with her, knowing it would probably be the last nap that we would have as just the two of us.  It was very sweet.  In the early evening, I looked at Don and told him he probably needed to cancel his fishing tournament - this baby is going to come early.  Again, the feeling.  My brother was laughing, he probably didn't know what to expect.  I had been updating my mother throughout the day/night, so she was prepared.  So on the evening went, and we put Ava to bed.  I decided that I would just sleep with her, in her "big bed," because I started having contractions.  Fast forward to about 10pm, and they were about 10-15 minutes apart.  I started timing them at that point.  Yes, it's real!  I showered, washed my hair, and you know I made sure my eyebrows were on!  I text mom around 11 and told her that she needed to come on out to the house, because they were getting closer.  Much closer.  I called the dr's office and was able to speak with the nurse on call, and got the "instructions" that I had already pretty much known.  Mom got out at midnight, and we sent her straight to bed!  On and on the contractions came, closer and closer.  By 2am, they were 7-5 min apart, I called the nurse and told her I was going to get to the hospital shortly.  I have to add, while I was going through the contractions, I was calm, not as scared, and even joked to Don, "thank God for modern medicine, and not having to feel this birth! Imagine how it's been for women all through the years with no meds!" We had a chuckle.  So after a brow touchup, and whispering to mom that we were leaving, we left for the hospital and arrived at 3a.m.  As we were walking up to the hospital, the contractions were much stronger, and I was ready to get some meds.
By the time I was wheeled up to triage, they were much stronger.  It was like Beau knew where he was.  I had to go through bloodwork, and all the questions - including multiple, "are you sure you want to get a c-section? It's major surgery..."  "Yes!  It was the plan. I'm getting my tubes tied, too. Why do you keep asking me? When can I get my meds?!"  I was told it would be 30+ minutes to get any kind of meds, and the contractions were getting more intense by the minute. And closer!  I hadn't been checked to see how dilated I was because I was up for a c-section, so when they checked me, I was at 5-6cm!  Fortunately, the doctor that was performing my c-section was the doctor on call, and she arrived quickly.  I asked her why they kept asking me about the c-section, and reminded me that we were still waiting on blood work to get back for any meds to be administered.  I asked when the blood work would be back and they said "he" was coming upstairs.  I said, "he's coming?" and they said, "he's coming? Are you ready to push?" They thought I was talking about Beau, but I wasn't. But when they asked me if I was ready to push, my response was, "he's coming. Yes, I need to push."  They checked me again, and I was at 8cm.  Don and I just looked at each other and I said I was ready.  Whatever!  We didn't know what else to do, I wanted to get drugs, I didn't want to tear like I did with Ava.  I was scared, but ready to do something. I felt like Beau was right there!! They got to it and rushed me to a room at that point.  Send up the anesthesiologist anyway!

I got to a room around 4am, and was just going with the contractions, and NOT quietly.  The anesthesiologist arrived and he just looked at me like a crazy person.  I couldn't be still, I was in pain. I asked him how long it would take to get the epidural, and he said, "ten minutes." I was like, "forget it!" Don told me later that he was at the door talking to the nurses, saying he couldn't do anything with me, because I couldn't be still.  Shortly after 4-something, the doctor broke my water (weird feeling), and I felt like I had to push.  At the right time, I gave it my all, nothing.  But the Dr very calmly said, "I'm looking at his head, right here, and his black hair."  OMG.  Really?  I had my nurse's hand and locked eyes with her while Don fanned me.  I had no meds, I had no iv of anything (it fell out!), I pushed.  Oh wow.  Y'all, what they say about the 2nd baby being easier, for me, it was true.  The doctor had to only make a very small tear, which I didn't care about at that time, I pushed a couple more times, felt that "ring of fire," told them my a** felt like it was going to explode, but pushed with my all.  The feeling of a baby popping out was incredible.  Phenomenal.  And then the body.  The relief was immediate.  It was literally the best feeling in the world.  (And then the placenta, that was weird, but almost equally relieving.)  Out came a beautiful baby boy!!  A perfect, 7lb, 5oz, 19 3/4" long baby, with a head full of dark brown hair.  He was absolutely beautiful, and looked exactly like daddy!  I have a baby pic of Don and they are twins.  I still haven't found it, but when I do, I will do a side-by-side comparison.  I clung to this baby, lots of skin-to-skin contact and it was so awesome.  I'm telling you, that feeling of pushing a baby, feeling every bit of it, and then literally forgetting it once you feel that release - I get it now.  I just looked at my doctor, as she was stitching me up (lol!) and kept saying how that was phenomenal, incredible.  I couldn't really talk - it was just amazing.  And so completely different from Ava's delivery.  I was so happy to be done, and so completely grateful that it didn't take as long as hers, and that I didn't tear like I did with hers.  I was up shortly afterwards, and walking, going to the bathroom, just so different.
Later on that same day, I made the decision to not get my tubes tied.  Don said he would consider getting it taken care of on his end, and I will completely go with him on that!  I just was over the entire thing.  I was super happy with the way things went, I wasn't in pain like I could've been, and wanted to ride that high as long as I could.  So I did.
My mom brought Ava up later to visit, and she wasn't really into the baby.  I wasn't too surprised, nor was I hurt - I almost would rather her not be too touchy-feely with him at first.  Plus, we were in a hospital, and mommy was in a bed, so she didn't know what to think.  Don actually went home Sunday night, and gave mom some rest.  They spent the day together, daddy & daughter, so that was special.  I'm actually not super into a lot of visitors, so it was nice to have that quiet time alone with the baby. Being "healthy" and able to walk around myself, made it easier and much less stressful, alone.  I had a couple of girlfriends come to see me, so that was nice.  And Don brought Ava up later.  He had to go back to work Tuesday, so I was alone again, enjoying our time.  Came home Wednesday and boy was I ready.  I missed my little girl, and wanted to get home.  Mom came to get me (finally), and we made the trip home.  Don had to work, and felt so bad that he couldn't bring me home, but that's the life of a business owner.  I really have no harsh feelings about that, I reassured him.  If the delivery had gone differently, so would the homecoming and his time off.  But thankfully, it all went well, and according to God's plan.  Which we were totally on board with.
Thank you, God for our perfect, beautiful baby boy.  Our family, while forever changed, is complete.

39 weeks

How far along: 39 weeks, the magic number. C section scheduled for Thursday... but this little boy had plans of his own! 
Name: Beau Fisher
Boy/girl: boy!!
Movement:  All kinds of movement
Contractions: Yes. I had a feeling they would officially begin today. At 10pm they started.
Total weight gain:  19 or 20 lbs
Maternity clothes: what fits...
Mood: very emotional. Exhausted and just done.

Sleep: Some nights are better than others.  

Cravings: No. 

Anything make me sick: no

Miss anything: Feeling normal, touching my toes.
Belly button in/out: stayed in
Wedding rings on/off: off
Best moment this week: Beau's room got painted by my bro, so that's great!
Looking forward to: meeting Beau!

*and by the time I hit 39weeks, as y'all know, Beau decided he was ready to be with us.  I will share his story separately, in another post.  And I will leave you with a pic of the last nap Ava and I had alone, for a while. I knew it would be our last just the 2 of us bc I just had that feeling Beau was coming.  It was bittersweet and precious with my angel.