Real talk

I was scrolling through my instagram posts from the last year or so & had an overwhelming feeling of sadness come over me. Not because my children have grown so much or anything like that, but because 2016 was a super tough year for me. And some of 2017, to be honest. I know it's just June, but even so, this past year & a half has not been easy. The pictures show smiles & laughs. They don't show the frustration & anger, sadness, feelings of failure & weakness. I traded in a full time job, where I worked sometimes 50hrs/week (plus the paycheck and insurance). And I have been able to stay at home with my children and I completely cherish these times. But I went through my own personal hell. I hated myself for my postpartum emotions & feelings. For getting upset because of a missing sock, or a tired toddler who would wake in the middle of the night kicking & crying for 30min at a time, inconsolable. For yelling & speaking in a tone of voice sometimes only dogs could hear. For legit wanting to hide in my garage until everyone was asleep so I could be alone. Hate. I never imagined how much I would not even want to be around myself. But you know what, thankfully, I learned that I wasn't alone in any of this. Other moms I met felt exactly the way I did. That made it easier to cope with & grow from. I learned what grace was & that God DID give me grace. He taught me that I am to extend that same grace to my children - His children. And I am still learning how important it is to forgive myself. If I can't do that, I can't ever move on & improve bc I never want to go back there. Grace doesn't mean I can continue that behavior; it means that I've been given something to help me be a better person, better mama, better wife. So I want to encourage moms to be real with yourselves & find other moms doing the same. Know that you aren't alone & what you're feeling is very real. But don't beat yourself up over it. Forgive yourself for bad moments, hours, days. I couldn't "just breathe" or "walk out of the room" to get over it. That wasn't happening. And I'm still trying to get through it bc my youngest is almost the same age as my oldest when this all began. If I can do this, you can, too.