Days like this.

Ever have one of those days where you feel like you could punch a hole in the wall, without hurting your hand or nails? I may be frustrated, but let's not mess up the hands!  Or the kind where you go to do laundry in the garage and start throwing the mass of your husband's work clothes in large piles b/c they're all over the place, secretly wanting to throw them all away but you can't b/c you know he will come home and wonder where in the heck all of his concrete spotted clothes are... Yikes, I digress. Anyway, today is that day.  Why is it that it's on a Sunday, after church?  Shoot, I can't be the only one that experiences Sundays like today.  No, it's not because there is no football to watch, or the fact that I have 3 + loads of laundry to do, and have a ton of clutter all over my house (sorta) and dust bunnies all over the place, and bathrooms that need cleaning, and groceries that need purchasing, and oh wait, that's it.  Hold up, I know exactly why... So I'm going to lay it out for you.  Blogs are personal sometimes, and they are like a diary to some writers . I've shared some personal things with y'all in the past, so why stop now?

Remember that miscarriage I had - a year ago?  Even just saying, "a year ago," is emotional for me, because I would possibly have a little bunny to hold right now. However, that is in the past, scars are healed [for the most part], and life goes on.  We are trusting God to bless us again, and I've not changed my mind or thoughts whatsoever.  I do think I will stop saying, "when it happens, it'll happen," b/c that's just too cliche for me, and duh, I got it.  So anyhoo, for the last 3-4 weeks I've been taking ovulation tests - some that a girlfriend of mine recommended to me (from  amazon.com that worked for her and another girl).  I had gone for 12 weeks, yes 12 weeks w/out a . (May - July or something) So I finally got the green light and started taking the tests.  They were pretty spot on, in that the day I found out I was ovulating, or the LH surge, the lines on the test strip were obvious. What was kinda weird though, was that the date was about 10 days later than I had thought it would be, but I just figured my dates were screwy since it had been a 12 week break.  (Note: since I had the miscarriage, and began having a regular cycle, they were just that - regular; about every 4 weeks, which isn't bad.  Just that last time was 12 weeks, but I think it was the stress and over-thinking.)  So my husband & I had some fun the night before & after the day I got the positive LH test.  That's pretty much the way to hit it  (pun intended!) if you're trying for a baby.  Since technically I would've started my . already, I took a test.  I probably, no, definitely made a mistake in doing that just a week after, b/c it was negative. I'm not going to lie, a little piece of my heart broke.  I knew that it was too early to take it.  I mean, it could take up to a week to actually become pregnant, based on what I've read this past week.  So I brushed it off, and hoped for the best.  Again just this past Friday, almost 2 weeks later, I took another test.  Results?  You guessed it, negative.  Am I still too early?  My boobs are sooo tender right now! My back hurts.  You know what those are signs of in my body?  Yep, guessed it again, a .! But still, if I think about it, logic would tell me that I would only be 2 weeks pregnant, maybe.  Typically you wouldn't know until you're what, 5 weeks along, maybe 6?  So, as hard as it is to tell myself this, I am going to just ride it out. I'm going to wait to see if I start or not.  I've got like 7 more pregnancy tests in the kit I bought, as I'll have to just hold off.  Over-thinking it is wrong and can hurt me.  But tell me not to think about it, I dare you.  Tell me not to worry about just waiting.  Remind me that I have gained a lot of patience with some of the things that have taken place in my life - and our married life.  I know all of this.  I know God will bless us, in some way, shape or form.  He doesn't make mistakes; He doesn't say, "Oops!"  Everything is calculated to what He has laid out.  I  know all of this, but I'm going to be honest - it doesn't make it any easier.  When you want something pretty badly, and it's just not working out for you, it's not the easiest to accept.  It's like that saying, "Wanna make God laugh?  Tell Him your plans." 

Maybe it's time I really crack down on losing weight.  Maybe? Um, seriously.  I cannot get motivated.  Is God waiting for me to take care of myself first?  I have to say, that I've been emotionally eating these past couple of weeks. That's not the best idea... I don't even really like doing it, so I don't know why I continue.  I feel miserable and not even hungry! Crazy, I know, but not good. 

I close asking that you please don't think of this as me whining to you and saying, "poor me!" I am not. I assure you, I realize that things could be much worse.  There are many more girls out there that are going through things much more      serious, more heart breaking, more painful than what I am.  I don't want to downgrade that at all.  This is just what is  frustrating me today, and I wanted to share.  I pray for all of the girls that are hurting, and thank God that I am only going through something so small.  Really.  I love all of you that have lost full term babies, that are unable to conceive, that are lost and in pain.  I appreciate your strength and admire your ability to go on - even if you're hurting on the inside.  You are so precious in God's sight.  I only hope I can have an ounce of your courage and strength, on days like today, and everyday for that matter.  Note to self: chin up, buttercup!  

xoxo